HOW I DID IT: Break-up recovery tips for women

Yesterday, I bumped into a former professor. I was surprised that she looked much older (the last time I saw her was only several months back). Her eyes were also red and puffy, as though she’d just cried. We were pretty tight back in college so I asked her why. Turned out, she’s been in a break-up. Worse, it’s been a year since and she apparently hasn’t gotten over it yet.

 We decided to sit down and talk. We found a secluded part of the campus and there she spilled out to me the details. They were together for four years and parted late last year due to “irreconcilable differences.” Until now, she admits she hasn’t completely moved on. And it showed! When it was my turn to share with her, I told her that I’ve recently gone through a break-up myself. I told her it had been six months since my break-up. I told her how I’ve coped, how I was able to turn my life around. I told her that when I’ve finally learned to ‘let go and let God,’ things have started looking up for me.  The event turned out to be a blessing to me after all.

 She said, “How did you do it? Tell me.” And I did. I didn’t imagine that I would one day advise other women, let alone a former professor, on how to recover from a painful break-up. But God, when He allowed this trial to happen to me, must’ve known I would one day be an instrument and (hopefully) an inspiration to other women. I remember a line from the book of Psalm: “My life is an example to many because you have been my strength and my protection.” (Ps. 71:7) that pretty much sums up what I feel right now.

Lately, I’ve been hearing a lot of sad stories about women whose break-ups have so badly affected them, one story even ended in suicide.

Things like this shouldn’t even happen. It prompted me to make it my personal advocacy to help those who are going through the same by sharing some of what I’ve learned. Now, there is no cut-and-dried formula when it comes to break-up recovery. I just know that if these worked for me, I urge you to try them out for yourself. You’ve got nothing to lose anyway. So, if you are a single woman still struggling with memories and remorse over love lost, I pray that these tips would help you, and like me, be able to turn your feelings of defeat into triumph.  

1. No contact 

 One of the biggest mistakes we make after a break-up is to try to win the person back by calling and texting them incessantly. I remember the first few weeks after my break-up, I bombarded my ex’s phone with lengthy texts, appealing to his guilt, pleading him to stay. After nagging him for some time, he decided to reject my calls and ignore me completely. I later realized how clingy I had become. And clingly = unattractive. Chasing after a guy sends a clear message: desperation. Besides, it might only further inflate his ego. Chances are he might stall you for some time, while he enjoys the attention.

Men are repulsed when women chase after them. After all, it is a man’s nature to pursue. When roles are reversed, things could turn ugly. So don’t ever chase after your guy. Freedom is the utmost importance to a man. Don’t call, text, chat or email him, especially if your motives are to get back together. Wait for him to make the first move. If he still wants you, he will.

.  

 My advice is to keep a no-contact rule for at least 60 days. They say it takes about that long a time to form a habit. In the meantime, keep yourself busy. This is probably the most difficult part of the process, but trust me, it works. This no-contact includes keeping yourself from stalking your ex on Facebook or Twitter.

Remember, it is not your obligation to suffer. We may not admit it, but most of our pain are self-inflicted. You know you shouldn’t be looking at you ex’s photos anymore, but you do. Stop torturing yourself. The quickest way I got over my ex is when I stopped asking about him. The less I know, the less I hurt. Don’t they say that “ignorance is bliss”? It’s true!

  2. Stop over-idealizing your ex 

One common thing I noticed among women who couldn’t get over their exes is that they over-idealize them. When we are so in-love, our perception of our mates tend to be clouded and biased. Isn't the "heart the most deceitful of all things? (Jeremiah 17:9)Women are particularly guilty of this. We magnify our men’s good qualities and discard the bad ones. Sadly, this perception carries over until after the break-up. We’d often hear women cry, “He’s the best. There’s no one like him.” This is a very unhealthy line of thinking and could later result to losing one’s self-esteem.

Michelle Hammond, Christian woman and author of ‘What to do until love finds you’, says “It is hard to see the trees if you stand too close to the forest.” It usually takes a step back in order to better get a view of a situation. While you were so in love with your ex, all you could see were how perfect his set of white teeth were, how he was so good in Math, or how sweetly he sang. What you might’ve overlooked were the things that you didn’t have in common. You must’ve thought these things to be trivial. But isn’t that big problems start small?

Stop over-idealizing your ex. Put them down that pedestal. More often than not, they don’t deserve to be there. Worship is anything you lift up as a priority. “Worshiping” your ex is idolatry. And idolatry, as you may very well know, is sin.

3. Have a life 

Instead of wallowing with your girlfriends, or strategizing the best way to get your ex back, get a life! Your ex is likely having the time of his life without you (mostly true if he’s the dumper). Don’t ever allow yourself to be stuck in the losing end.

Broaden your territory. Get out of your comfort zone. Go out and meet as many people with different interests and backgrounds. You will likely discover new things about yourself in the process. Things you don’t even know about yourself. Through interaction with other people, you’ll also learn to rid of stereotypes and be more sociable.

Meeting people and engaging in new activities is also a way to keep your mind off your break-up. An old adage goes, “the idle mind is the playground of the devil.” You don’t want the enemy running free in your mind, feeding you with His lies, do you? So keep yourself busy. Be productive. Aim for a promotion at work. Learn a new hobby or craft. Plan a trip. Start a blog (I did!). Make a scrapbook. Watch a movie. Sign up for the gym. The list goes on… you’ll see that there are tons of interesting things to do with all the extra time you have in your hands.

   

There was a time after the break-up when workload was too much. I complained to a friend that I was so busy with work that I couldn’t even “grieve” the demise of my relationship. But in retrospect, I know that being busy then was one of God’s little favors. He had kept me so busy that I did not have idle time to waste in useless wallowing and self-pity. The Bible says, “God keeps such people so busy enjoying life that they take no time brooding over the past.” (Ecclesiates 5:20)

4. Love yourself 

Now is the time to invest in yourself. Make yourself better physically, intellectually, emotionally and professionally. Pamper yourself, girl. Go to a spa. Get that haircut you’ve always wanted. Learn to do your make-up. Catch up on your reading. Re-paint your room. Small things like this lead to big things collectively. When you start feeling good about yourself, it’ll show in your actions and radiate in your face. Women who are confident in their own beauty reflect a natural glow that no store-bought mist can give. Remember, you are already beautiful in God’s eyes. Weren’t you “fearfully and wonderfully made”? (Psalm 139:14).

Improving yourself does two things: first, it shows your ex that the heartbreak he caused you had not crushed you, but made you better. Secondly, it regains lost confidence. Doesn’t it make you feel good when people compliment you for the way you dress or how much pounds you’ve lost? Becoming better after a break-up, they say, is the sweetest form of revenge. But more importantly, do it for yourself.    

5. Shift your focus to God 

When a piece of appliance gets broken, you bring it to the manufacturer for repair. It is the same with our hearts. When your heart gets broken, you should lift it up to its Maker. No one can mend it better than Him. And another good news is… the warranty never expires. The service center is open 24/7. The hotline is never busy.

“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted.” (Psalm 34:18)

God wants you to make him a part of your life – every aspect of it. More importantly, your pain and suffering. Don’t our earthly fathers want us to open up to them and spill to them our secrets? Our heavenly Father is no different, and He can offer us more than just a ready ear and a shoulder to cry on. He offers healing. He offers comfort. Turn over your heart to Him and you will be a changed woman. I know I am.

“The sacrifice you want is a broken spirit. A broken and repentant heart, O God, you will not despise.” (Psalm 51:17)

Instead of looking for love and validation from your man, shift your focus to God. Admit to Him that you did not do a good job of guarding your heart and ask Him to take over it this time. Men will always fall short of our expectations. They won’t be the same today as they will be when you’re already married. Christ, on the other hand, is “the same yesterday, today and forever”. (Hebrews 13:8) You can expect His love to remain steadfast even when you put on weight or when wrinkles start showing on your face.

Shifting your focus on God’s love instead of your man’s changes your perspective on love. It elevates your standards. Knowing how precious God sees and loves you (Isaiah 43:4), you will learn to appreciate your worth and will not just settle for anything less than what God thinks is best for you.

***
So the next time you pass by that favorite spot in the highway of your mind and you think you’re heading for cryfest again, stop in your tracks. Utter a short prayer. Remember who you are in Christ. You are treasured, favored and beloved in God’s eyes, and no mere mortal should ever make you feel otherwise.

It’ll be over soon, you’ll see.

Letter to my unknown husband

When my friend Tin first learned I was starting a Christian blog, she recommended I read Paul's Ponderings, which she has been following for two years now. One of my favorite posts was about the author's prayers for his "unknown wife." (the articles are now archived under the "singles" category in his blog since he is now married to the love of his life!)

For years, Paul has made it his habit to pray for his then-unknown wife three times every day. Talk about devotion! He cites two reasons for doing this:

"During each time of prayer I say a prayer for my wife. I do this for two reasons. The first reason is to lay her life in the hands of God, teaching myself to trust Him to guide and protect her life. The second reason is to help my heart form an attachment to her, even though we are apart. I need to be constantly reminded that what I do right now will eventually effect her as well."

Upon reading his entries, I immediately fell in love with the idea, and being a single Christian woman, I thought it was just rightful to pray for my future mate. I think it is also a pretty reasonable thing to do. After all, whatever becomes of him will affect the rest of my life as well. Lately, I have been including my "unknown husband" in my prayers too, and I lay it upon God's wisdom to choose the perfect man to be my lifetime partner.

The other night, (Wenesday, September 5, 2012), I wrote a letter to my unknown husband. Here goes:

Dear unknown husband,

A little earlier, I was walking home alone. It was either the full moon or the long conversation I just had with a friend about the future that inspired me to write to you. Whatever it is, I’m really excited to be writing you this letter. There are about a hundred things I want you to know about me. But I think I’ll save that for later. After all, we’ve got the rest of our lives to get to know each other.

I don’t know who you are, what kind of family you were raised into, what course you took up in college, what work you do, what your favorites are, or even how you look. All I’m sure is this: you are my answered prayer.

Since I want a married life that is aligned with God’s will, I’ve recently stopped trying to look for the qualities I want from every prospective, single guy I meet, hoping that he’d be “the one.” I realized that every attempt to control my love life ends in frustration, regret and futility. Finally taking a cue from the Bible, I learned to “be still” (Psalm 46:10) and wait for that one man God has been preparing for my mate. Instead of dictating the specifics, I prayed to God to take the pen from my hands and start writing my love story as He wishes. I surrender completely to His bidding, knowing that He knows what’s best for me. Trusting fully that God’s will is always “good, pleasing and perfect” (Romans 12:2), I’ve learned to expect nothing less from the man the Lord has chosen for me – you.

When I pray to God for you, I do not ask Him for your eyes to be blue, or for you to have a law degree, or a big house and a hotshot car. When I pray about you, I pray for one thing. I ask God to bless my life with a man who loves Him more than anything in the world. I pray for a man with whom I will share a love that pleases God. I want not just any relationship, I want one that will endure. I want the kind of union that will serve and honor God. I want to be one-half of a couple whose life testimony will inspire and influence others to be the same.

I want a man whose first love is the Lord.

I want to build a relationship with Christ in the center. I’ve seen too many relationships broken because they have laid out their foundations on unstable ground. I don’t want to commit the same mistake. That is why I refuse to settle for anything less than a God-ordained relationship. A couple whose relationship is one that is deeply-rooted in Christ is "like a person building a house who digs deep and lays the foundation on solid rock. When the floodwaters rise and break against that house, it stands firm because it is well built." (Luke 6:48; NLT)

With Christ as the cornerstone, our home will be made of solid-rock foundation – one that is anchored in high moral and spiritual values. Our love, which comes from the Lord, is deep and true. I know I can trust in you to protect me and love me even as our hairs turn grey or if I put on some weight. And you can trust me to remain faithful and serve you all the days of our lives.

I promise to be your partner and friend first, wife second. I will eagerly listen to you when you rant about your day’s work, or when you simply want to tell a joke. More than being a wife who feeds you well, massages your tired body and makes you feel good about yourself, I promise to support you in everything you do, even when it sounds overly absurd or ambitious. I'll forever be your number one fan. Above all, I promise that you will have a wife who will always love you no matter what. A wife you could go home to and feel loved and secure every single time.

I want no one else but you.

I do not mind waiting. Take your time. Be all that you want to be. Savor life and all its possibilities. Take advantage of every opportunity that comes your way while I do the same. You are God’s gift to me. And I know that the Lord has saved our meeting for a special time – that is, when we are both ready. Right now, I am using this season of waiting to be the perfect gift to you as well. Please know that I am committing myself to you. I am saving my heart and self only for you. I want to be the wife you will be proud of and thankful for.

For now, I surrender my heart to God for safe-keeping. He’ll guard and nurture it for His appointed time. I know that He will guard it dearly and will not just hand it over to anyone but you. Rest assured in this. The wait could take months or years, but knowing what wonderful gift awaits me… a long and fruitful married life with you, I know it will be so worth it.

Wherever you are right now, may God keep you cloaked in His love and protection. And I trust that God, in His perfect time and season, will bring us together. In the meantime, I pray that the Lord will help both of us get prepared for that joyous occasion. I wait for that day in happy anticipation.

Take care, my love.

Loving you already,

Ela

On prayer and weight loss

My Tita Ching sent me this "interesting" text message this morning:

"Congrats!!! Super laki ng pinayat mo since we went to Dagupan last July 2011. Look  at the bright side. Being "Alfredless" was a blessing after all!!!"

(NOTE: I think I have not mentioned his name on this blog, but since I'm comfortable saying his name now, Alfred is the ex-boyfriend.)

Anywaaaaaay...

I was a bit surprised with the text since I haven't seen my Tita in months, and I haven't even been dieting or going to the gym lately. My lifestyle hasn't changed so much either. If anything, I've been living a sedentary life after I resigned from work. I've been eating out more often, too. No one has complimented me on a weight loss except her, so I wondered if she was bluffing.

I replied:

"Ano 'yun tita? Hindi pa naman tayo nagkikita ha?"

And she texted back:

"Nakita ko pics nyo ni Sam sa FB eh, laki ng pinayat mo since umuwi tayo with Alfred sa Dagupan last year." 

Oh, Facebook. :) I didn't have to ask her which FB picture she saw as her subsequent text message to me was:

"Btw, hindi bagay yung shoes mo with the floral blouse. Dapat naka-strappy sandals ka lang."

Okay. First she notices I've slimmed down, and then comments on my mismatched outfits. :)

So here's the picture in question:

This was taken at UP Diliman last Saturday. My sister and I went to watch Eiga Sai, the annual Japanese Film Festival. This picture is raw (meaning unedited). I actually have an edited version, but for the sake of comparison, I decided to use this version. "Au naturel"... warts and all. (By the way, are the shoes that bad?)

While here is a photo taken during our family reunion in 2011 which was my tita's reference to my "pagpayat". Tell me what you think:

By the way, this too wasn't edited. I just cropped it. It was taken precisely a year and a month ago. 

I can't be scientific on how much I've lost, I haven't been checking the scales. But hey! I think I've really shed some pounds! Thinking about it now, I'm now able to wear some of my old clothes, while the newer ones are about a size or two smaller. I also wear a belt now when wearing jeans (which is seldom now since most my jeans are big on me.) I'm always either wearing leggings or dresses. 

This has been such a blessing since like I said, I haven't exactly been following any fitness regimen or observing a certain diet program. No. I'm just busy living life. Being happy. Rejoicing in singlehood. Lavishing in all the blessings the Lord has been showering upon me. All the while pala, the Lord has also been silently working on one of my weak areas -- my weight problem. 

This is not to say I did not do ANYthing. I did. I prayed. I prayed every night for God to heal my constipation. I prayed for God to remove any of my unhealthy eating habits. I prayed for God to help me with my struggle with weight. It was the only thing I did. It was, after all, the only thing I needed to do. 

It is by being immersed in God's love that I had diverted my focus and efforts from trying to lose weight and just embracing and loving myself for all I am. It was during this shift in perspective that I noticed something change in me. I no longer feel so bad about being plump, instead, I've learned to revel in my own beauty, in my own uniqueness. And while I am not so self-absorbed in my physical limitations, I've started working on how to make myself better professionally, spiritually and emotionally. That's is when the drastic change took place. I started losing weight without even noticing it. Or without even actually trying.

Now, I trust in God more than ever. He says, "be still and know I am God" (Psalm 46:10). It is one of my favorite verses. It reminds me that He is in control, and that I just need to trust that He knows what He's doing. I know God has more wonderful plans in my life, as long as I submit to Him all of my hearts desires. There is nothing too big, too small, or too impossible for our God. All we need is to keep still, trust and be expectant of His wonderful provisions in our lives.

*PostScript:

This is not to say that going to the gym, exercising or following a diet plan aren't necessary. I've seen friends whose fitness plans worked wonders for them. I just believe it's also as equally important to pray for your goals and ask God to help you achieve them.

Why pray?

I confess. I hardly prayed. Most of the time, my prayers were trite and rushed:

"Lord, please help me find a case study."
"Lord, don't let me be stuck in traffic or I'll be late." 

My prayers come out of desperation. They come when I feel like I've exhausted everything, done all that I could, to no avail. Prayer for me is an appeal for divine intervention when all hope is lost. In short, prayer usually becomes my "last resort." 

The same is true to many. When we are faced with adversity, we often try to weed our way out of our problems with our own efforts. We trust so much that our abilities and strength are enough to help us overcome our obstacles. But as humans, we are limited. We can only do so much. Trying to solve our troubles with our own effort is much like rowing against a mighty current. We may row as hard as we can, for hours on end, but it will all be in vain for we are fighting a stronger, more formidable force. If there is one thing I learned, is that I CANNOT overcome my problems on my own. And I don't have to. I learned to trust in a higher power. Now, whenever I have to cross turbulent waters, I let go of the oars, hand them over to my Savior through prayer, and let Him steer the boat wherever He wishes to lead me.

My changed perspective on prayer

Prayer is submission to a higher power. It teaches humility. It is admitting our shortcomings to the Lord and knowing that apart from Him we can do nothing (John 15:5).

We are all made to suffer adversity. Jesus himself had said, "The world will make you suffer." (John 16:33). Jesus warned his children that in the world they will face persecution, famine, rejection, and all sorts of tribulation. However, Jesus did not end there. There was a "but" statement. The whole verse reads, "The world will make you suffer, BUT be brave! I have defeated the world."

Remember that Jesus Christ was flesh. He roamed the earth among sinners. He too, went hungry. He too, suffered persecution. He, like us, had been betrayed. He was tortured, crucified and died for sins he did not make. The world made Him suffer, just as it did us sinners. But there is ONE thing He did that we cannot. "...he rose again on the third day" (1Corinthians 13:4). By overcoming death, Jesus defeated the world.

Let me offer a little context. Death is often regarded as the "great equalizer." It is inevitable, and it happens to everyone -- it happens to both the rich and the poor, the sinner and the saint. When Jesus rose from the dead, He proved that His power is above us. He did what none of us, or those before us could do. That even though He lived as flesh and blood, He is Lord even over death.

And while we most certainly deserved our lot, Jesus did not. He needed not suffer. But He endured these sufferings in order to save us and make us right again in the eyes of the Father. It was all out of love -- a holy and immeasurable kind of love.

Having a deeper understanding of Christ's love and sacrifice has also taught me the value of prayer. I know that there is a God who loves me, and has suffered with me and FOR me. A God who knows the way the of the world, and yet did not conform to the world. Praying means trusting Him who had overcome the world and all its tribulation. Praying means the Lord is our ally. "If God is for us, who can be against us?" (Romans 8:28)

Why pray?

Some people find it hard to pray. Friends have told me they don't know how to pray (as if there is a template or guideline to follow). Some find it embarrassing. While others think praying should be confined in church and other "holy" places. My own misconception was that I didn't need to pray because God already knows my heart's desires. But the truth is, God is pleased when we turn to Him. Don't our earthly fathers love it when we run to them for advice or help with our problems? Same is true with our heavenly Father. He wants us to be dependent on Him. In fact, the bible tells us to "pray without ceasing." (1Thessalonians 5:17).

So why do we pray?


1. We pray because God tells us to do so. There are numerous references to prayer in the bible:

"So I say to you, ask, and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you." (Luke 11:19) 

"If you abide in Me, and My words abide in you, you will ask what you desire and it shall be done for you." (John 15:7) 

"Therefore I say to you, whatever things you ask for when you pray, believe that you receive them, and you will have them." (Mark 11:24) 

"Continue earnestly in prayer, being vigilant in it with thanksgiving." (Colossians 4:2) 

"Watch and pray, lest you enter into temptation." (Matthew 26:41) 

"Be anxious for nothing, but in anything with prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be known to God." (Philippians 4:6)

2.  Prayer is a conversation with God.


Praying is a privilege to commune with God. He is a personal God. He loves it when we talk to Him about our problems and ask Him for help. Doesn't the bible refer to Jesus as our friend? ("Greater love has no one than this, that a man lay down His life for His friends." - John 15:13) Jesus is our friend. He wants us to tell Him our secrets (although He knows them already, He wants intimacy with us. He wants to know we trust Him with our secrets, the way we share to our friends.)

When I went through a difficult phase in my life, I had lost many of my old friends. With no one to turn to, I learned to talk to God. And believe me, the conversation is not one-way. God answers when we talk to Him. Like what Ms. Dyan Castillejo (yes, the famous TV personality, who became a good friend because of our bible study group) said, God is spirit, so He will speak to our spirits. His is not an audible voice (although many claimed to have heard an audible voice of God.) His message could come in the form of a bible verse, a song, a line from a book, etc. We should always be keen enough to discern the voice of God. Also, it helps to have a deep understanding and personal relationship with God in order for you to "hear" His voice. Just as we recognize a friend's voice from constant communication, talking regularly to God in prayer will help you identify His voice amid a multitude of noise.

3. Prayer provides comfort and rest.

Submitting to God our problems through prayers is like lifting our burdens off our backs. It is giving God the authority to step in and take the reins from our hands, because we know that we just cannot do it alone. Isn't it comforting to know that there is an almighty God who offers to carry your load for you when it gets too overwhelming to bear? God has called all those who are weary and burdened, and promised to give them rest (Matthew 11:28). God does not wish for us to strain our backs with all our heavy baggage, He promises to carry it for us as long as we trust Him for the job. If He had died on the cross for our sins, then I don't see what else He cannot do for us!

That one guy...

All girls deserve to be loved by that one guy who sees them as the most beautiful thing in all the world. ♥

Girls, never settle for anything less than that one guy God has chosen for you. That one guy that sees you for the gem that you are. Remember, God sees you as his princess. He says you are "priced far above rubies" (Proverbs 31:10) If the Lord of all the earth sees you as such, then I don't see why any mere man shouldn't.

The wait may be longer than you wish, your meeting may not be as romantic as you've always hoped for, or he may not look anything close to the guy of your dreams, but remember, if he is that one guy God has selected for your mate, he will be so much worth the wait.

So long, Dolphy

Philippine cinema's comedy king Rodolfo "Dolphy" Vera Quizon had made his final curtain call. 

Dolphy joined His creator yesterday, July 10, 2012 at 8:34 pm. He succumbed to multiple organ failure "secondary to complications brought about by severe pneumonia, chronic obstructive pulmonary disease, and acute renal failure." He was 83. (He would've turned 84 on July 25th.)

I grew up watching his movies and sitcoms. As a kid, me and my siblings would be glued to the television on Thursday nights. We sat around the dinner table, sang along the theme song of 'Home Along the Riles' (I'm surprised I still know the lyrics!) and laughed at the antics of Kevin Cosme and his outrageous family. The sitcom ran for 11 years, the longest running comedy series in Philippine TV history. Now that I am working for TV production myself, I could imagine the long hours, the hard work and sacrifices the staff and its actors had dedicated to the program. But more than the wonderfully-written script and the equally talented cast, the show's longevity was apparently due to Dolphy's impeccable comic timing, which never waned even as he aged. I found him as funny in his last television guestings as he was as Kevin Cosme, and as he was way back when I used to watch reruns of 'John and Marsha' on channel 9. Laughter was his gift. He deserved to be called the "King of Comedy . And I believe it will take a while for anyone to take his place for he'd left very big shoes to fill.

I may have not known him personally, but I count myself fortunate to have had a glimpse of his remains, thrice during the public viewing here at ABS-CBN. He looked peaceful. He knew he was loved -- by his family, by the industry he loved as much, by the entire nation. But more than anything, I know had rested at the thought that he IS loved first and foremost by His creator.  

"To live is Christ and to die is gain." (Philippians 1:21; NIV)

We are nomads here on earth. This is not our home. Everything we do on earth is in preparation for the eternal life that the Lord has promised us.  

"In my Father's house are many rooms; if it were not so, I would have told you. I am going there to prepare a place for you." (John 14:2)

In this world, we will suffer. We suffer from persecution, we suffer from ailments, we suffer from poverty, we suffer from pain. But like Paul has declared in Romans 8:18, "I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us" Let us not focus our eyes in the temporal joys of this world, but rather, let us set our sights in God's promise of everlasting life in paradise. Where there is no more persecution, no hunger, no ailments, no suffering.

Truth is, my greatest fear used to be death. But when I came to know Christ as my Lord and my Savior, I am no longer as afraid as I was before. I know that to die is gain. I am sure of my salvation. And I eagerly await that day when I'll come face to face with my Creator and sing praises to him with the angels. ♥

Long live, Dolphy. Thank you for the laughter. 

My SuperHERO ♥

"If God is for us, who can be against us?" - Romans 8:31; NIV

Books, again. ♥

‎"For each life is a book, not to be read, but rather a story to be written. The Author starts each life story, but each life will write his or her ending." -Max Lucado, 'A Gentle Thunder'

I bought two books this weekend. Again, even while I still have a hundred unread books piled inside balikbayan boxes at home, and others halfway read on my bedside table. I just can't get a grip on myself when it comes to books. Strangely, I love them more when they're pre-loved (this is the modern take on "second-hand", I noticed). I like them dog-eared, annotated, and with personal notes written on the margins.

Last Sunday I bought this book from our senior pastor at Victory Greenhills. It's Max Lucado's 'A Gentle Thunder'. I'm familiar with Lucado even before I became Christian, but I haven't read any of his books. He was the favorite of bookish Christian friends. I remember one particular college classmate who carried Lucado books around school and read during the breaks. and I remember quite well how she'd break into laughter, and then smile in reverie, always seeming to dwell in a place of comfort far away from all of us. I used to think there is something peculiar about Christians. How they seem to always be happy and peaceful, amid the noise surrounding them. My girl classmates who were Christian always seemed so well-groomed, always cheerful, and yes, pretty. I thought being prayerful and reading the Bible had something to do with it. So I joined their weekly fellowship. Thinking back, it may have been a rather lousy reason to join a Bible group, but I'm glad I did. I do have that glow now, actually. That and a lot more. ♥

Back to the book, aheh. ^^ It was on sale on the pastor's Facebook page. I found the title interesting: 'A Gentle Thunder: Hearing God Through the Storm.' I paid 200 pesos for it, and got a pleasant bonus. A prayer from our senior pastor, no less. Pastor Dennis prayed for my healing and restoration. It was the first time I got to sit down with him, too. What a blessing!

I immediately read through a few chapters from the book when I got home. I was just leafing through at first, but I found myself done with four chapters already! I was so engrossed that I had to put down my current read in favor of this book. Some paragraphs brought me in the verge of tears, some made me burst in laughter, some evoked "a-ha" moments, while some just made me pause and say, "I love you, Lord" in awe. God definitely uses different means just to get our attention. He got mine for sure. :)

Here's another book I bought during the weekend. Last Saturday, I watched 'The Amazing Spiderman' with my good friend Adrian at Trinoma. We had such a good time. While at the mall, I remembered a book I saw at the book sale exactly a month ago. It was a story about a woman who was raped in her home. Despite the tragedy that befell her and her family, she trusted her life to God and she even asked God to forgive her attacker for "he did not know what he was doing." It amazed me how a woman could just surrender everything to God, even in the midst of such evil. I wanted to buy the book, but didn't have the money that time. I remembered about it and asked Adrian if we could see if it was still at the shelf. Thank, God it was! I bought it right away.

While waiting for the movie to start, Adrian and I sat at Krispy Kreme while I browsed my new book. A line from the first chapter struck me... hard. In it, Heather wrote a poem to her rapist, forgiving him for what he'd done. In the last line, she wrote: "I will not be your captive."


That hit me. At first, I wondered why Heather would forgive her rapist. She had bore him a daughter, a child she didn't want in the first place. He entered her home, threatened to kill her and her kids, defiled her body and even robbed them. She had to go through persecution and shame. She'd gone through numerous tests for sexually-transmitted disease and had to recount her experience to doctors, police, social workers and neighbors, reliving the trauma over and over.

I would understand if she hated him and willed him to die. Won't we all? But she didn't. She even prayed for him while he was assaulting her! She even blessed him for sparing her babies! I found this absurd and almost impossible. Until I realized that by forgiving, Heather was actually doing herself a favor.

You see, we become slaves of that which we cannot forgive. Whenever we hold a grudge against anyone, we still think about them. Their lives continue to affect us... their sins haunt us. Like being raped over and over. Heather stopped the cycle by forgiving. Thereby, giving herself peace. She's no longer her rapist's "captive". Her forgiveness set her free.

“Forgiveness is unlocking the door to set someone free and realising you were the prisoner!”  -Max Lucado

The wisdom of these authors have so much to teach me. It was no accident that I found my way to these pre-loved books. They are to impart on me very valuable lessons. God speaks. He just did to me. :)

My handsome "brother" Adrian

Tickets!

*Note: Since I'm acquiring more books, but with no time to read, I'm setting myself a one-book-a-month challenge. That would let me finish at least six books by the end of the year. Yay!
 

Click HERE to read what Adrian wrote about our movie date. ♥ Would you believe he called me "sexy"? I know, right? :D

To you, ladies

Focus your heart on God. Place your heart firmly in His care and trust that He will not hand it over to anyone other than the man He has chosen for you.

The "three month rule"

I was cleaning my room the other morning and found a note stashed among my pile of books. It was a letter (though not addressed to anyone in particular) that I wrote exactly three months after the break-up.

I'm naturally a sucker for anniversaries (or monthsarries). I remember that the first two months since that fateful day were still very difficult. Writing had been my therapy and I think I've written enough letters to him (which I did not send, of course) to publish a book. When I discovered this note and read it again, I realized how my perspectives have changed since I became a Christian. All the past hurts and regrets were gone, and in their wake came forgiveness and peace. I didn't think it was possible to forgive someone who has truly hurt us. But since God has made me feel loved and forgiven, I am also able to forgive. I am now able to pray for him and wish him the best, as though he had not hurt me at all.

I've also become stronger and wiser. In the past three months, knowing Christ and embracing my faith has been the best thing to happen to me. I wish every woman who has ever been hurt would come to know the healing power of knowing Jesus and surrendering to His will. I believe that He has a man for me at the right time. For now, I choose to wait patiently and joyfully for God's promises to unveil.

♥♥♥

It was exactly three months ago when I last saw him – and it didn’t end pretty. Looking back, I wish we had parted more amicably. Unfortunately, life does not give in to rewinds or second chances and whatever transpired that night is what we would remember of each other. It was, as fate would have it, a sweet decade-long relationship that ended with a slap in his face. Although i admit to feeling quite victorious right after the deed, I now wish that I hadn’t hurt him that way. I wish the last vision he saw of me wasn’t of anger and revenge. But then, maybe he deserved it. After all, it was him who left and dumped me for another woman.

I barely remember most of the events. I guess, it is our natural tendency to shut out painful memories – a sort of defense mechanism. When people ask, I always willingly share with them his indiscretions, his lies and his “woman”. That made me feel better for some time, as the sympathies always sided with me. It was until a few weeks after that fateful night, during moments of calm and reflection, that I realized how much I had to do with the demise of our relationship after all.

It is always easy to blame the person who left the other when it comes to break-ups. I was so consumed in my own pain and bitterness that I failed to see my own shortcomings that might’ve caused him to leave me. “It is hard to see the trees if you stand too close to the forest”. It usually takes a step back in order to see things more clearly. After the break-up, I had more time in my hands and had often used them to agonize about what happened. It hadn’t made sense to me then why we’d break up. We were happy, at least I thought we were. A month before he broke up with me, we were in a coffee shop discussing marriage; we were thinking names for our babies; we were planning a lifetime together. In all the euphoria, what I failed to see were the signs – the small things. They seemed so petty then, easy to overlook; but put together, they were the disease that plagued the fortress we had built together over the years.

It turned out, I had become too dependent on him for everything. He was my escape from my troubled family life. I sought rest in him from the stresses of my job. I made him play the roles of people I have shunned from my life. I clung to him desperately, because I had no one. No friends, no family. I had made him the center of my universe and everything revolved around him. Sadly, too, I made him Lord of my life. Eventually, my neediness consummed him, until he had nothing left to give... until it was him who was needing. That was when, I figured, he had turned to someone else.

The first few weeks were devastating. It was hard not to think of him when we had spent half of our lives together. Mornings were especially hard, since he waking up next to him had always been my most favorite thing in the world to do. There wasn’t a night that I didn’t cry for him. I tried to win him back. I appealed to his guilt, i pleaded, begged, hoped... but he rejected me everytime. It hurt me so much to think how the same man who loved me for 10 years could get so callous and treat me as though I meant nothing. I remember punishing myself for what happened. I blamed myself for days and weeks – refusing to eat or sleep and just focused on work to keep me busy. It became an unhealthy routine, until I was confined to the office clinic and was diagnosed with Vertigo. I texted him that I was sick, hoping he’d be moved and perhaps want to get back together with me. But he didn’t. I was being my needy self again. If anything, I think it drove him even farther away; while I grew more miserable by the day.

I had dragged on like this for weeks, until one day, an officemate saw me puffy-eyed in the ladies room just after another bout with tears. She invited me to a Christian fellowship the next day where Manny Pacquiao will share his testimony. At first, I was more interested in meeting Pacquaio than learning what he had to share about the Bible. But during his testimony, I was so moved, and for once, I had completely forgotten the mess that I was in. I found the peace I was seeking for that night. I don’t know if it was Pacquiao, but the Lord’s message spoke to me, roused something within me, that after that night, found myself wanting more of that peace.
I found that peace in God.

After that night, I joined a bible study group at the office. I later learned that two other members have recently gone through break-ups as well. They’ve been my steady stream of support throughout the ordeal.  We shared stories, our losses and helped each other make sense of our pain. Now, we remain good friends and we continue to pray for each other’s healing.

It was also this time when I started reading the Bible. Though I’ve always been a reader, and had attended Catholic school, I've never been fond of reading the Bible. Now, through the help of my Christian friends (and the Holy Spirit, of course) I read the Bible everyday. In fact, I bring my Bible EVERYday. I immerse myself in God’s word day and night, and it has never failed to provide me with the answers and the comfort I need.

It is true that our seasons of need and weakness are meant to turn us back to God. The Bible says, “...because the pain caused you to repent and change your ways. It was the kind of sorrow God wants His children to have.” (2Corinthians 7:9; NLT) The pain of the break-up had opened my eyes and made me realize how much I have sinned against God, for having loved a man more than Him. Not only have I deserted my faith, I have abandoned my family and friends and have set aside even myself, all for his love. It had finally made sense. It was meant to happen so that change in me could take place. And little by little, as I grow in my faith, I learned to trust in what the Lord has planned for me – and along with this understanding, came acceptance and healing.

“...keep away from anything that might take God’s place in your hearts.” (1John 5:21) After i lost him, and started seeking God, I witnessed all my other relationships get restored. I returned home to my family and now enjoy a fuller and healthier relationship with my parents and siblings. I have also reconnected with old friends and made new ones. I have also learned to value myself. Renewing my faith has helped me strive to become a better person. I am now giving more attention to my health. So far, i have lost 10Lbs (4kilos) by eating healthy and exercising. I’ve also been getting a lot of compliments, telling me that I look happier and more beautiful. I say, “it is the glow that comes from the Lord.” And it is true!

There is an unwritten rule in break-ups. They call it the three-month rule. It means it should take three months after a break-up before someone could enter into another relationship. I’m past the three months now, and I’m giving myself a high-five and a pat on the back for a wonderful job of keeping myself together, with God’s grace, of course. They say that the only way to get over a break up is to fall in love with someone – and I have! I fell in love with Jesus. I know that the Lord has someone in store for me at the right time. For now, it’ll just be me and my God.

“I waited patiently for the Lord to help me.And he turned to me and heard my cry.He lifted me out of the pit of despair,Out of the mud and the mire.He set my feet on solid groundAnd steadied me as i walked along.He has given me a new song to sing, a hymn of praise to our God.Many will see what He has done and be amazed.They will put their trust in the Lord.” (Psalm 40:1-3; NLT)

Labor of Love ♥

"Remembering without ceasing your work of faith, and labour of love, and patience of hope in our Lord Jesus Christ, in the sight of God and our Father" (1 Thessalonians 1:3)

I refer to this new blog as my "project" for a number of reasons. One is I'm "ningas kugon", a local idiom referring to a person who does the job well at first but does not finish what he/she has started. Knowing that I have this tendency, I am challenged to update this blog as often as I can, every day if possible. This actually requires some a lot of effort, considering the demands of my work. Even as I write now, my back strains so badly from working for more than 12 hours already, shuttling back and forth from Parañaque to meet an "asset", sit down through a lengthy and very "technical" interview on gambling (a topic I do not have the least interest in), and do more paper work/reports right back at the office. The job has started to take its toll on my health: I've been diagnosed with Vertigo which brings me regular bouts of headache and nausea almost every night. I've also been suffering from skin rashes, which always attacks whenever I'm too stressed or lack sleep. 

I don't say this to emphasize how badly I have it, no. I'm thankful for this job, this opportunity to do public service and meet a lot of interesting people in the process. I guess I'm saying this to justify how much dedication I have to put in order to keep this project running, and I will. Like I mentioned in a previous entry, this blog is my "gift" to God. The bible encourages us to love the Lord with all our heart, with all our soul, with all our heart (Matthew 22:37). In fact, Jesus said it to be the "first and greatest commandment (Matthew 22:38). To love God with all that we have requires sacrifice, and to me, it means not going home yet even if I could already to write this blog entry. And I know fully well that this bit of sacrifice does not even come close to Jesus dying on the cross for my sins.

This blog is my labor of love. It is hard work, but one that I don't mind doing. When you receive a wonderful gift from someone, wouldn't you want to give something back to that person as a "thank you"? Perhaps something that is just as wonderful as that one you've been given? I've received the most wonderful gift from the Lord -- and I am reminded of His grace everyday. And in return, I promise to write my praises to Him with every strength and opportunity.

There was a statement by American football player Mark Tebow that very well sums up why I took up this blog challenge, he said:

"If you are married and you really love your wife, is it good enough to only say to your wife 'I love her' the day you get married? Or should you tell her every single day you wake up and every opportunity?

My relationship with Jesus Christ is the most important thing in my life. So everytime I get the opportunity to shout Him out on national TV, I'm gonna take that opportunity. And so I look at it as a relationship that I have with Him that I want to give Him the honor and glory everytime I have the opportunity." 

He reminds me of our very own Manny Pacquiao. ♥

New books!

Books always excite me. 

I've been a reader all my life, but never had I thought that I would be so hooked in reading the Bible -- in fact, I bring mine with me everyday. Devotional, Christian books have also occupied an important space in my shelf, and I'm proud to say that my collection is growing. Squeezing in time to read the bible and devotionals despite my busy schedule offers a respite to my otherwise stress-filled days -- like oasis in a vast desert.

Thanks to OMF Lit's Booksale, I have two new books for my collection:

Original price: PHP 225; bought it for PHP95

Original price: PHP450; bought it for PHP360

Last night, I was just browsing through some blogs for recommended readings and saw review about 'The Upside of Adversity.' I wrote it down on my notebook and decided to look for it when I have the time. When I went to check out the book sale, it was among the discount rack of items for PHP 95 each! I also decided to get myself a copy of 'Captivating' which was on 20 percent off. I've read off a few chapters from this book which a friend lent me. I loved reading it so much that I wanted a copy for myself. ♥ 

I end this post by quoting one of my favorite lines from 'Captivating':

"In the spacious love of God, our souls can lie down and rest. This love for Him is not something we must struggle for, earn, or fear to lose. It is bestowed. He has bestowed it upon us. He has chosen us. And nothing can separate us from His love. Not even we, ourselves. We are made for such a love. Our hearts yearn to be loved intimately, personally, and yes, romantically. We are created to be the object of desire nd affection of one who is totally and completely in love with us."

Rebirth, Reblog

I've been planning to start a blog -- not that I've never kept one. I have been blogging for at least four years now, though it has neither made me rich nor popular like the others. I believe that blogging, more than anything, should be an avenue for self expression, and since then has served as my only motivation in writing.

Currently, I have one other blog active that I no longer update. I stopped blogging in March, about three months ago. I was then still reeling from an awful life episode, and since not everyone was willing to listen to my rants and wails, I returned to blogging after a long hiatus -- only to quit again right after. The last few entries on that blog talked about the bitterness of love lost, desperate calls for reconciliation, anger, resentment and most terrible of all, regret. I realized that, although I have kept true to my ideals that writing should be to express oneself, it wasn't healthy to write excessively about negative experiences, most especially on a platform like the internet where people could easily access my posts.

Revisiting my old blog was a revelation -- a startling one, actually. Re-reading through those articles filled with anger and remorse had only caused old wounds to resurface. It wasn't the kind of message I want to share as the world has enough troubles of its own already. What it doesn't need is one lonely girl wallowing over her broken heart and sharing it on social media for all  some to see. Since I didn't like the direction my other blog was heading, I decided to embark on a new project. Hence, this blog.

What people need is a good story, a beacon of light to shine through our dark times. I want to be the bearer of good news, the living testimony of God's healing and transformative power.

The bible calls us the "light of the world." (Matthew 5:14), no one lights a lamp and puts it under a dome. A light should be exposed for all to see. I want to encourage those who are going through adversities to put their trust in Him like I did and experience immense love and happiness that only our Lord can give.

It has been three months. A lot has happened -- most of them good. After having been in a decade-long relationship, I dreaded singlehood. I was devastated at the demise of our relationship, thinking that nothing good will ever happen to me ever again and I that I am doomed to be alone forever. It took me a while to finally make sense of what happened and appreciate this "season" in my life where I am no longer bound to another person. With this loss, all my other relationships were restored -- I went back home to my family, rekindled my relationship with my siblings, reconnected with friends and made new ones. Most importantly, I have developed a deeper relationship and understanding of God. I embraced the joy of surrendering fully to Him and offering all that I am to His glory. I have learned to forgive the people who wronged me -- including letting go of childhood disappointments, and in turn, learned to forgive myself.

It's like being born again, to be saved and loved by Christ. My old insecurities were gone, too. As I begin to see myself as God sees me -- his princess. No longer do I blame myself for every failure, believing fully that everything happens for a reason... that "all things work together for the good of those who love Him." (Romans 8:28; NIV)

This is the message I want to share: the power of faith and healing. I made this new blog so I could share how wonderfully the Lord has saved me and transformed me into a woman that I am now -- single, happy and in so in love with my savior Jesus Christ. ♥

I am God's well-kept woman