On prayer and weight loss

My Tita Ching sent me this "interesting" text message this morning:

"Congrats!!! Super laki ng pinayat mo since we went to Dagupan last July 2011. Look  at the bright side. Being "Alfredless" was a blessing after all!!!"

(NOTE: I think I have not mentioned his name on this blog, but since I'm comfortable saying his name now, Alfred is the ex-boyfriend.)

Anywaaaaaay...

I was a bit surprised with the text since I haven't seen my Tita in months, and I haven't even been dieting or going to the gym lately. My lifestyle hasn't changed so much either. If anything, I've been living a sedentary life after I resigned from work. I've been eating out more often, too. No one has complimented me on a weight loss except her, so I wondered if she was bluffing.

I replied:

"Ano 'yun tita? Hindi pa naman tayo nagkikita ha?"

And she texted back:

"Nakita ko pics nyo ni Sam sa FB eh, laki ng pinayat mo since umuwi tayo with Alfred sa Dagupan last year." 

Oh, Facebook. :) I didn't have to ask her which FB picture she saw as her subsequent text message to me was:

"Btw, hindi bagay yung shoes mo with the floral blouse. Dapat naka-strappy sandals ka lang."

Okay. First she notices I've slimmed down, and then comments on my mismatched outfits. :)

So here's the picture in question:

This was taken at UP Diliman last Saturday. My sister and I went to watch Eiga Sai, the annual Japanese Film Festival. This picture is raw (meaning unedited). I actually have an edited version, but for the sake of comparison, I decided to use this version. "Au naturel"... warts and all. (By the way, are the shoes that bad?)

While here is a photo taken during our family reunion in 2011 which was my tita's reference to my "pagpayat". Tell me what you think:

By the way, this too wasn't edited. I just cropped it. It was taken precisely a year and a month ago. 

I can't be scientific on how much I've lost, I haven't been checking the scales. But hey! I think I've really shed some pounds! Thinking about it now, I'm now able to wear some of my old clothes, while the newer ones are about a size or two smaller. I also wear a belt now when wearing jeans (which is seldom now since most my jeans are big on me.) I'm always either wearing leggings or dresses. 

This has been such a blessing since like I said, I haven't exactly been following any fitness regimen or observing a certain diet program. No. I'm just busy living life. Being happy. Rejoicing in singlehood. Lavishing in all the blessings the Lord has been showering upon me. All the while pala, the Lord has also been silently working on one of my weak areas -- my weight problem. 

This is not to say I did not do ANYthing. I did. I prayed. I prayed every night for God to heal my constipation. I prayed for God to remove any of my unhealthy eating habits. I prayed for God to help me with my struggle with weight. It was the only thing I did. It was, after all, the only thing I needed to do. 

It is by being immersed in God's love that I had diverted my focus and efforts from trying to lose weight and just embracing and loving myself for all I am. It was during this shift in perspective that I noticed something change in me. I no longer feel so bad about being plump, instead, I've learned to revel in my own beauty, in my own uniqueness. And while I am not so self-absorbed in my physical limitations, I've started working on how to make myself better professionally, spiritually and emotionally. That's is when the drastic change took place. I started losing weight without even noticing it. Or without even actually trying.

Now, I trust in God more than ever. He says, "be still and know I am God" (Psalm 46:10). It is one of my favorite verses. It reminds me that He is in control, and that I just need to trust that He knows what He's doing. I know God has more wonderful plans in my life, as long as I submit to Him all of my hearts desires. There is nothing too big, too small, or too impossible for our God. All we need is to keep still, trust and be expectant of His wonderful provisions in our lives.

*PostScript:

This is not to say that going to the gym, exercising or following a diet plan aren't necessary. I've seen friends whose fitness plans worked wonders for them. I just believe it's also as equally important to pray for your goals and ask God to help you achieve them.

Why pray?

I confess. I hardly prayed. Most of the time, my prayers were trite and rushed:

"Lord, please help me find a case study."
"Lord, don't let me be stuck in traffic or I'll be late." 

My prayers come out of desperation. They come when I feel like I've exhausted everything, done all that I could, to no avail. Prayer for me is an appeal for divine intervention when all hope is lost. In short, prayer usually becomes my "last resort." 

The same is true to many. When we are faced with adversity, we often try to weed our way out of our problems with our own efforts. We trust so much that our abilities and strength are enough to help us overcome our obstacles. But as humans, we are limited. We can only do so much. Trying to solve our troubles with our own effort is much like rowing against a mighty current. We may row as hard as we can, for hours on end, but it will all be in vain for we are fighting a stronger, more formidable force. If there is one thing I learned, is that I CANNOT overcome my problems on my own. And I don't have to. I learned to trust in a higher power. Now, whenever I have to cross turbulent waters, I let go of the oars, hand them over to my Savior through prayer, and let Him steer the boat wherever He wishes to lead me.

My changed perspective on prayer

Prayer is submission to a higher power. It teaches humility. It is admitting our shortcomings to the Lord and knowing that apart from Him we can do nothing (John 15:5).

We are all made to suffer adversity. Jesus himself had said, "The world will make you suffer." (John 16:33). Jesus warned his children that in the world they will face persecution, famine, rejection, and all sorts of tribulation. However, Jesus did not end there. There was a "but" statement. The whole verse reads, "The world will make you suffer, BUT be brave! I have defeated the world."

Remember that Jesus Christ was flesh. He roamed the earth among sinners. He too, went hungry. He too, suffered persecution. He, like us, had been betrayed. He was tortured, crucified and died for sins he did not make. The world made Him suffer, just as it did us sinners. But there is ONE thing He did that we cannot. "...he rose again on the third day" (1Corinthians 13:4). By overcoming death, Jesus defeated the world.

Let me offer a little context. Death is often regarded as the "great equalizer." It is inevitable, and it happens to everyone -- it happens to both the rich and the poor, the sinner and the saint. When Jesus rose from the dead, He proved that His power is above us. He did what none of us, or those before us could do. That even though He lived as flesh and blood, He is Lord even over death.

And while we most certainly deserved our lot, Jesus did not. He needed not suffer. But He endured these sufferings in order to save us and make us right again in the eyes of the Father. It was all out of love -- a holy and immeasurable kind of love.

Having a deeper understanding of Christ's love and sacrifice has also taught me the value of prayer. I know that there is a God who loves me, and has suffered with me and FOR me. A God who knows the way the of the world, and yet did not conform to the world. Praying means trusting Him who had overcome the world and all its tribulation. Praying means the Lord is our ally. "If God is for us, who can be against us?" (Romans 8:28)

Why pray?

Some people find it hard to pray. Friends have told me they don't know how to pray (as if there is a template or guideline to follow). Some find it embarrassing. While others think praying should be confined in church and other "holy" places. My own misconception was that I didn't need to pray because God already knows my heart's desires. But the truth is, God is pleased when we turn to Him. Don't our earthly fathers love it when we run to them for advice or help with our problems? Same is true with our heavenly Father. He wants us to be dependent on Him. In fact, the bible tells us to "pray without ceasing." (1Thessalonians 5:17).

So why do we pray?


1. We pray because God tells us to do so. There are numerous references to prayer in the bible:

"So I say to you, ask, and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you." (Luke 11:19) 

"If you abide in Me, and My words abide in you, you will ask what you desire and it shall be done for you." (John 15:7) 

"Therefore I say to you, whatever things you ask for when you pray, believe that you receive them, and you will have them." (Mark 11:24) 

"Continue earnestly in prayer, being vigilant in it with thanksgiving." (Colossians 4:2) 

"Watch and pray, lest you enter into temptation." (Matthew 26:41) 

"Be anxious for nothing, but in anything with prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be known to God." (Philippians 4:6)

2.  Prayer is a conversation with God.


Praying is a privilege to commune with God. He is a personal God. He loves it when we talk to Him about our problems and ask Him for help. Doesn't the bible refer to Jesus as our friend? ("Greater love has no one than this, that a man lay down His life for His friends." - John 15:13) Jesus is our friend. He wants us to tell Him our secrets (although He knows them already, He wants intimacy with us. He wants to know we trust Him with our secrets, the way we share to our friends.)

When I went through a difficult phase in my life, I had lost many of my old friends. With no one to turn to, I learned to talk to God. And believe me, the conversation is not one-way. God answers when we talk to Him. Like what Ms. Dyan Castillejo (yes, the famous TV personality, who became a good friend because of our bible study group) said, God is spirit, so He will speak to our spirits. His is not an audible voice (although many claimed to have heard an audible voice of God.) His message could come in the form of a bible verse, a song, a line from a book, etc. We should always be keen enough to discern the voice of God. Also, it helps to have a deep understanding and personal relationship with God in order for you to "hear" His voice. Just as we recognize a friend's voice from constant communication, talking regularly to God in prayer will help you identify His voice amid a multitude of noise.

3. Prayer provides comfort and rest.

Submitting to God our problems through prayers is like lifting our burdens off our backs. It is giving God the authority to step in and take the reins from our hands, because we know that we just cannot do it alone. Isn't it comforting to know that there is an almighty God who offers to carry your load for you when it gets too overwhelming to bear? God has called all those who are weary and burdened, and promised to give them rest (Matthew 11:28). God does not wish for us to strain our backs with all our heavy baggage, He promises to carry it for us as long as we trust Him for the job. If He had died on the cross for our sins, then I don't see what else He cannot do for us!

The "three month rule"

I was cleaning my room the other morning and found a note stashed among my pile of books. It was a letter (though not addressed to anyone in particular) that I wrote exactly three months after the break-up.

I'm naturally a sucker for anniversaries (or monthsarries). I remember that the first two months since that fateful day were still very difficult. Writing had been my therapy and I think I've written enough letters to him (which I did not send, of course) to publish a book. When I discovered this note and read it again, I realized how my perspectives have changed since I became a Christian. All the past hurts and regrets were gone, and in their wake came forgiveness and peace. I didn't think it was possible to forgive someone who has truly hurt us. But since God has made me feel loved and forgiven, I am also able to forgive. I am now able to pray for him and wish him the best, as though he had not hurt me at all.

I've also become stronger and wiser. In the past three months, knowing Christ and embracing my faith has been the best thing to happen to me. I wish every woman who has ever been hurt would come to know the healing power of knowing Jesus and surrendering to His will. I believe that He has a man for me at the right time. For now, I choose to wait patiently and joyfully for God's promises to unveil.

♥♥♥

It was exactly three months ago when I last saw him – and it didn’t end pretty. Looking back, I wish we had parted more amicably. Unfortunately, life does not give in to rewinds or second chances and whatever transpired that night is what we would remember of each other. It was, as fate would have it, a sweet decade-long relationship that ended with a slap in his face. Although i admit to feeling quite victorious right after the deed, I now wish that I hadn’t hurt him that way. I wish the last vision he saw of me wasn’t of anger and revenge. But then, maybe he deserved it. After all, it was him who left and dumped me for another woman.

I barely remember most of the events. I guess, it is our natural tendency to shut out painful memories – a sort of defense mechanism. When people ask, I always willingly share with them his indiscretions, his lies and his “woman”. That made me feel better for some time, as the sympathies always sided with me. It was until a few weeks after that fateful night, during moments of calm and reflection, that I realized how much I had to do with the demise of our relationship after all.

It is always easy to blame the person who left the other when it comes to break-ups. I was so consumed in my own pain and bitterness that I failed to see my own shortcomings that might’ve caused him to leave me. “It is hard to see the trees if you stand too close to the forest”. It usually takes a step back in order to see things more clearly. After the break-up, I had more time in my hands and had often used them to agonize about what happened. It hadn’t made sense to me then why we’d break up. We were happy, at least I thought we were. A month before he broke up with me, we were in a coffee shop discussing marriage; we were thinking names for our babies; we were planning a lifetime together. In all the euphoria, what I failed to see were the signs – the small things. They seemed so petty then, easy to overlook; but put together, they were the disease that plagued the fortress we had built together over the years.

It turned out, I had become too dependent on him for everything. He was my escape from my troubled family life. I sought rest in him from the stresses of my job. I made him play the roles of people I have shunned from my life. I clung to him desperately, because I had no one. No friends, no family. I had made him the center of my universe and everything revolved around him. Sadly, too, I made him Lord of my life. Eventually, my neediness consummed him, until he had nothing left to give... until it was him who was needing. That was when, I figured, he had turned to someone else.

The first few weeks were devastating. It was hard not to think of him when we had spent half of our lives together. Mornings were especially hard, since he waking up next to him had always been my most favorite thing in the world to do. There wasn’t a night that I didn’t cry for him. I tried to win him back. I appealed to his guilt, i pleaded, begged, hoped... but he rejected me everytime. It hurt me so much to think how the same man who loved me for 10 years could get so callous and treat me as though I meant nothing. I remember punishing myself for what happened. I blamed myself for days and weeks – refusing to eat or sleep and just focused on work to keep me busy. It became an unhealthy routine, until I was confined to the office clinic and was diagnosed with Vertigo. I texted him that I was sick, hoping he’d be moved and perhaps want to get back together with me. But he didn’t. I was being my needy self again. If anything, I think it drove him even farther away; while I grew more miserable by the day.

I had dragged on like this for weeks, until one day, an officemate saw me puffy-eyed in the ladies room just after another bout with tears. She invited me to a Christian fellowship the next day where Manny Pacquiao will share his testimony. At first, I was more interested in meeting Pacquaio than learning what he had to share about the Bible. But during his testimony, I was so moved, and for once, I had completely forgotten the mess that I was in. I found the peace I was seeking for that night. I don’t know if it was Pacquiao, but the Lord’s message spoke to me, roused something within me, that after that night, found myself wanting more of that peace.
I found that peace in God.

After that night, I joined a bible study group at the office. I later learned that two other members have recently gone through break-ups as well. They’ve been my steady stream of support throughout the ordeal.  We shared stories, our losses and helped each other make sense of our pain. Now, we remain good friends and we continue to pray for each other’s healing.

It was also this time when I started reading the Bible. Though I’ve always been a reader, and had attended Catholic school, I've never been fond of reading the Bible. Now, through the help of my Christian friends (and the Holy Spirit, of course) I read the Bible everyday. In fact, I bring my Bible EVERYday. I immerse myself in God’s word day and night, and it has never failed to provide me with the answers and the comfort I need.

It is true that our seasons of need and weakness are meant to turn us back to God. The Bible says, “...because the pain caused you to repent and change your ways. It was the kind of sorrow God wants His children to have.” (2Corinthians 7:9; NLT) The pain of the break-up had opened my eyes and made me realize how much I have sinned against God, for having loved a man more than Him. Not only have I deserted my faith, I have abandoned my family and friends and have set aside even myself, all for his love. It had finally made sense. It was meant to happen so that change in me could take place. And little by little, as I grow in my faith, I learned to trust in what the Lord has planned for me – and along with this understanding, came acceptance and healing.

“...keep away from anything that might take God’s place in your hearts.” (1John 5:21) After i lost him, and started seeking God, I witnessed all my other relationships get restored. I returned home to my family and now enjoy a fuller and healthier relationship with my parents and siblings. I have also reconnected with old friends and made new ones. I have also learned to value myself. Renewing my faith has helped me strive to become a better person. I am now giving more attention to my health. So far, i have lost 10Lbs (4kilos) by eating healthy and exercising. I’ve also been getting a lot of compliments, telling me that I look happier and more beautiful. I say, “it is the glow that comes from the Lord.” And it is true!

There is an unwritten rule in break-ups. They call it the three-month rule. It means it should take three months after a break-up before someone could enter into another relationship. I’m past the three months now, and I’m giving myself a high-five and a pat on the back for a wonderful job of keeping myself together, with God’s grace, of course. They say that the only way to get over a break up is to fall in love with someone – and I have! I fell in love with Jesus. I know that the Lord has someone in store for me at the right time. For now, it’ll just be me and my God.

“I waited patiently for the Lord to help me.And he turned to me and heard my cry.He lifted me out of the pit of despair,Out of the mud and the mire.He set my feet on solid groundAnd steadied me as i walked along.He has given me a new song to sing, a hymn of praise to our God.Many will see what He has done and be amazed.They will put their trust in the Lord.” (Psalm 40:1-3; NLT)

Labor of Love ♥

"Remembering without ceasing your work of faith, and labour of love, and patience of hope in our Lord Jesus Christ, in the sight of God and our Father" (1 Thessalonians 1:3)

I refer to this new blog as my "project" for a number of reasons. One is I'm "ningas kugon", a local idiom referring to a person who does the job well at first but does not finish what he/she has started. Knowing that I have this tendency, I am challenged to update this blog as often as I can, every day if possible. This actually requires some a lot of effort, considering the demands of my work. Even as I write now, my back strains so badly from working for more than 12 hours already, shuttling back and forth from Parañaque to meet an "asset", sit down through a lengthy and very "technical" interview on gambling (a topic I do not have the least interest in), and do more paper work/reports right back at the office. The job has started to take its toll on my health: I've been diagnosed with Vertigo which brings me regular bouts of headache and nausea almost every night. I've also been suffering from skin rashes, which always attacks whenever I'm too stressed or lack sleep. 

I don't say this to emphasize how badly I have it, no. I'm thankful for this job, this opportunity to do public service and meet a lot of interesting people in the process. I guess I'm saying this to justify how much dedication I have to put in order to keep this project running, and I will. Like I mentioned in a previous entry, this blog is my "gift" to God. The bible encourages us to love the Lord with all our heart, with all our soul, with all our heart (Matthew 22:37). In fact, Jesus said it to be the "first and greatest commandment (Matthew 22:38). To love God with all that we have requires sacrifice, and to me, it means not going home yet even if I could already to write this blog entry. And I know fully well that this bit of sacrifice does not even come close to Jesus dying on the cross for my sins.

This blog is my labor of love. It is hard work, but one that I don't mind doing. When you receive a wonderful gift from someone, wouldn't you want to give something back to that person as a "thank you"? Perhaps something that is just as wonderful as that one you've been given? I've received the most wonderful gift from the Lord -- and I am reminded of His grace everyday. And in return, I promise to write my praises to Him with every strength and opportunity.

There was a statement by American football player Mark Tebow that very well sums up why I took up this blog challenge, he said:

"If you are married and you really love your wife, is it good enough to only say to your wife 'I love her' the day you get married? Or should you tell her every single day you wake up and every opportunity?

My relationship with Jesus Christ is the most important thing in my life. So everytime I get the opportunity to shout Him out on national TV, I'm gonna take that opportunity. And so I look at it as a relationship that I have with Him that I want to give Him the honor and glory everytime I have the opportunity." 

He reminds me of our very own Manny Pacquiao. ♥

Rebirth, Reblog

I've been planning to start a blog -- not that I've never kept one. I have been blogging for at least four years now, though it has neither made me rich nor popular like the others. I believe that blogging, more than anything, should be an avenue for self expression, and since then has served as my only motivation in writing.

Currently, I have one other blog active that I no longer update. I stopped blogging in March, about three months ago. I was then still reeling from an awful life episode, and since not everyone was willing to listen to my rants and wails, I returned to blogging after a long hiatus -- only to quit again right after. The last few entries on that blog talked about the bitterness of love lost, desperate calls for reconciliation, anger, resentment and most terrible of all, regret. I realized that, although I have kept true to my ideals that writing should be to express oneself, it wasn't healthy to write excessively about negative experiences, most especially on a platform like the internet where people could easily access my posts.

Revisiting my old blog was a revelation -- a startling one, actually. Re-reading through those articles filled with anger and remorse had only caused old wounds to resurface. It wasn't the kind of message I want to share as the world has enough troubles of its own already. What it doesn't need is one lonely girl wallowing over her broken heart and sharing it on social media for all  some to see. Since I didn't like the direction my other blog was heading, I decided to embark on a new project. Hence, this blog.

What people need is a good story, a beacon of light to shine through our dark times. I want to be the bearer of good news, the living testimony of God's healing and transformative power.

The bible calls us the "light of the world." (Matthew 5:14), no one lights a lamp and puts it under a dome. A light should be exposed for all to see. I want to encourage those who are going through adversities to put their trust in Him like I did and experience immense love and happiness that only our Lord can give.

It has been three months. A lot has happened -- most of them good. After having been in a decade-long relationship, I dreaded singlehood. I was devastated at the demise of our relationship, thinking that nothing good will ever happen to me ever again and I that I am doomed to be alone forever. It took me a while to finally make sense of what happened and appreciate this "season" in my life where I am no longer bound to another person. With this loss, all my other relationships were restored -- I went back home to my family, rekindled my relationship with my siblings, reconnected with friends and made new ones. Most importantly, I have developed a deeper relationship and understanding of God. I embraced the joy of surrendering fully to Him and offering all that I am to His glory. I have learned to forgive the people who wronged me -- including letting go of childhood disappointments, and in turn, learned to forgive myself.

It's like being born again, to be saved and loved by Christ. My old insecurities were gone, too. As I begin to see myself as God sees me -- his princess. No longer do I blame myself for every failure, believing fully that everything happens for a reason... that "all things work together for the good of those who love Him." (Romans 8:28; NIV)

This is the message I want to share: the power of faith and healing. I made this new blog so I could share how wonderfully the Lord has saved me and transformed me into a woman that I am now -- single, happy and in so in love with my savior Jesus Christ. ♥

I am God's well-kept woman