The "three month rule"

I was cleaning my room the other morning and found a note stashed among my pile of books. It was a letter (though not addressed to anyone in particular) that I wrote exactly three months after the break-up.

I'm naturally a sucker for anniversaries (or monthsarries). I remember that the first two months since that fateful day were still very difficult. Writing had been my therapy and I think I've written enough letters to him (which I did not send, of course) to publish a book. When I discovered this note and read it again, I realized how my perspectives have changed since I became a Christian. All the past hurts and regrets were gone, and in their wake came forgiveness and peace. I didn't think it was possible to forgive someone who has truly hurt us. But since God has made me feel loved and forgiven, I am also able to forgive. I am now able to pray for him and wish him the best, as though he had not hurt me at all.

I've also become stronger and wiser. In the past three months, knowing Christ and embracing my faith has been the best thing to happen to me. I wish every woman who has ever been hurt would come to know the healing power of knowing Jesus and surrendering to His will. I believe that He has a man for me at the right time. For now, I choose to wait patiently and joyfully for God's promises to unveil.

♥♥♥

It was exactly three months ago when I last saw him – and it didn’t end pretty. Looking back, I wish we had parted more amicably. Unfortunately, life does not give in to rewinds or second chances and whatever transpired that night is what we would remember of each other. It was, as fate would have it, a sweet decade-long relationship that ended with a slap in his face. Although i admit to feeling quite victorious right after the deed, I now wish that I hadn’t hurt him that way. I wish the last vision he saw of me wasn’t of anger and revenge. But then, maybe he deserved it. After all, it was him who left and dumped me for another woman.

I barely remember most of the events. I guess, it is our natural tendency to shut out painful memories – a sort of defense mechanism. When people ask, I always willingly share with them his indiscretions, his lies and his “woman”. That made me feel better for some time, as the sympathies always sided with me. It was until a few weeks after that fateful night, during moments of calm and reflection, that I realized how much I had to do with the demise of our relationship after all.

It is always easy to blame the person who left the other when it comes to break-ups. I was so consumed in my own pain and bitterness that I failed to see my own shortcomings that might’ve caused him to leave me. “It is hard to see the trees if you stand too close to the forest”. It usually takes a step back in order to see things more clearly. After the break-up, I had more time in my hands and had often used them to agonize about what happened. It hadn’t made sense to me then why we’d break up. We were happy, at least I thought we were. A month before he broke up with me, we were in a coffee shop discussing marriage; we were thinking names for our babies; we were planning a lifetime together. In all the euphoria, what I failed to see were the signs – the small things. They seemed so petty then, easy to overlook; but put together, they were the disease that plagued the fortress we had built together over the years.

It turned out, I had become too dependent on him for everything. He was my escape from my troubled family life. I sought rest in him from the stresses of my job. I made him play the roles of people I have shunned from my life. I clung to him desperately, because I had no one. No friends, no family. I had made him the center of my universe and everything revolved around him. Sadly, too, I made him Lord of my life. Eventually, my neediness consummed him, until he had nothing left to give... until it was him who was needing. That was when, I figured, he had turned to someone else.

The first few weeks were devastating. It was hard not to think of him when we had spent half of our lives together. Mornings were especially hard, since he waking up next to him had always been my most favorite thing in the world to do. There wasn’t a night that I didn’t cry for him. I tried to win him back. I appealed to his guilt, i pleaded, begged, hoped... but he rejected me everytime. It hurt me so much to think how the same man who loved me for 10 years could get so callous and treat me as though I meant nothing. I remember punishing myself for what happened. I blamed myself for days and weeks – refusing to eat or sleep and just focused on work to keep me busy. It became an unhealthy routine, until I was confined to the office clinic and was diagnosed with Vertigo. I texted him that I was sick, hoping he’d be moved and perhaps want to get back together with me. But he didn’t. I was being my needy self again. If anything, I think it drove him even farther away; while I grew more miserable by the day.

I had dragged on like this for weeks, until one day, an officemate saw me puffy-eyed in the ladies room just after another bout with tears. She invited me to a Christian fellowship the next day where Manny Pacquiao will share his testimony. At first, I was more interested in meeting Pacquaio than learning what he had to share about the Bible. But during his testimony, I was so moved, and for once, I had completely forgotten the mess that I was in. I found the peace I was seeking for that night. I don’t know if it was Pacquiao, but the Lord’s message spoke to me, roused something within me, that after that night, found myself wanting more of that peace.
I found that peace in God.

After that night, I joined a bible study group at the office. I later learned that two other members have recently gone through break-ups as well. They’ve been my steady stream of support throughout the ordeal.  We shared stories, our losses and helped each other make sense of our pain. Now, we remain good friends and we continue to pray for each other’s healing.

It was also this time when I started reading the Bible. Though I’ve always been a reader, and had attended Catholic school, I've never been fond of reading the Bible. Now, through the help of my Christian friends (and the Holy Spirit, of course) I read the Bible everyday. In fact, I bring my Bible EVERYday. I immerse myself in God’s word day and night, and it has never failed to provide me with the answers and the comfort I need.

It is true that our seasons of need and weakness are meant to turn us back to God. The Bible says, “...because the pain caused you to repent and change your ways. It was the kind of sorrow God wants His children to have.” (2Corinthians 7:9; NLT) The pain of the break-up had opened my eyes and made me realize how much I have sinned against God, for having loved a man more than Him. Not only have I deserted my faith, I have abandoned my family and friends and have set aside even myself, all for his love. It had finally made sense. It was meant to happen so that change in me could take place. And little by little, as I grow in my faith, I learned to trust in what the Lord has planned for me – and along with this understanding, came acceptance and healing.

“...keep away from anything that might take God’s place in your hearts.” (1John 5:21) After i lost him, and started seeking God, I witnessed all my other relationships get restored. I returned home to my family and now enjoy a fuller and healthier relationship with my parents and siblings. I have also reconnected with old friends and made new ones. I have also learned to value myself. Renewing my faith has helped me strive to become a better person. I am now giving more attention to my health. So far, i have lost 10Lbs (4kilos) by eating healthy and exercising. I’ve also been getting a lot of compliments, telling me that I look happier and more beautiful. I say, “it is the glow that comes from the Lord.” And it is true!

There is an unwritten rule in break-ups. They call it the three-month rule. It means it should take three months after a break-up before someone could enter into another relationship. I’m past the three months now, and I’m giving myself a high-five and a pat on the back for a wonderful job of keeping myself together, with God’s grace, of course. They say that the only way to get over a break up is to fall in love with someone – and I have! I fell in love with Jesus. I know that the Lord has someone in store for me at the right time. For now, it’ll just be me and my God.

“I waited patiently for the Lord to help me.And he turned to me and heard my cry.He lifted me out of the pit of despair,Out of the mud and the mire.He set my feet on solid groundAnd steadied me as i walked along.He has given me a new song to sing, a hymn of praise to our God.Many will see what He has done and be amazed.They will put their trust in the Lord.” (Psalm 40:1-3; NLT)