HOW I DID IT: Break-up recovery tips for women

Yesterday, I bumped into a former professor. I was surprised that she looked much older (the last time I saw her was only several months back). Her eyes were also red and puffy, as though she’d just cried. We were pretty tight back in college so I asked her why. Turned out, she’s been in a break-up. Worse, it’s been a year since and she apparently hasn’t gotten over it yet.

 We decided to sit down and talk. We found a secluded part of the campus and there she spilled out to me the details. They were together for four years and parted late last year due to “irreconcilable differences.” Until now, she admits she hasn’t completely moved on. And it showed! When it was my turn to share with her, I told her that I’ve recently gone through a break-up myself. I told her it had been six months since my break-up. I told her how I’ve coped, how I was able to turn my life around. I told her that when I’ve finally learned to ‘let go and let God,’ things have started looking up for me.  The event turned out to be a blessing to me after all.

 She said, “How did you do it? Tell me.” And I did. I didn’t imagine that I would one day advise other women, let alone a former professor, on how to recover from a painful break-up. But God, when He allowed this trial to happen to me, must’ve known I would one day be an instrument and (hopefully) an inspiration to other women. I remember a line from the book of Psalm: “My life is an example to many because you have been my strength and my protection.” (Ps. 71:7) that pretty much sums up what I feel right now.

Lately, I’ve been hearing a lot of sad stories about women whose break-ups have so badly affected them, one story even ended in suicide.

Things like this shouldn’t even happen. It prompted me to make it my personal advocacy to help those who are going through the same by sharing some of what I’ve learned. Now, there is no cut-and-dried formula when it comes to break-up recovery. I just know that if these worked for me, I urge you to try them out for yourself. You’ve got nothing to lose anyway. So, if you are a single woman still struggling with memories and remorse over love lost, I pray that these tips would help you, and like me, be able to turn your feelings of defeat into triumph.  

1. No contact 

 One of the biggest mistakes we make after a break-up is to try to win the person back by calling and texting them incessantly. I remember the first few weeks after my break-up, I bombarded my ex’s phone with lengthy texts, appealing to his guilt, pleading him to stay. After nagging him for some time, he decided to reject my calls and ignore me completely. I later realized how clingy I had become. And clingly = unattractive. Chasing after a guy sends a clear message: desperation. Besides, it might only further inflate his ego. Chances are he might stall you for some time, while he enjoys the attention.

Men are repulsed when women chase after them. After all, it is a man’s nature to pursue. When roles are reversed, things could turn ugly. So don’t ever chase after your guy. Freedom is the utmost importance to a man. Don’t call, text, chat or email him, especially if your motives are to get back together. Wait for him to make the first move. If he still wants you, he will.

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 My advice is to keep a no-contact rule for at least 60 days. They say it takes about that long a time to form a habit. In the meantime, keep yourself busy. This is probably the most difficult part of the process, but trust me, it works. This no-contact includes keeping yourself from stalking your ex on Facebook or Twitter.

Remember, it is not your obligation to suffer. We may not admit it, but most of our pain are self-inflicted. You know you shouldn’t be looking at you ex’s photos anymore, but you do. Stop torturing yourself. The quickest way I got over my ex is when I stopped asking about him. The less I know, the less I hurt. Don’t they say that “ignorance is bliss”? It’s true!

  2. Stop over-idealizing your ex 

One common thing I noticed among women who couldn’t get over their exes is that they over-idealize them. When we are so in-love, our perception of our mates tend to be clouded and biased. Isn't the "heart the most deceitful of all things? (Jeremiah 17:9)Women are particularly guilty of this. We magnify our men’s good qualities and discard the bad ones. Sadly, this perception carries over until after the break-up. We’d often hear women cry, “He’s the best. There’s no one like him.” This is a very unhealthy line of thinking and could later result to losing one’s self-esteem.

Michelle Hammond, Christian woman and author of ‘What to do until love finds you’, says “It is hard to see the trees if you stand too close to the forest.” It usually takes a step back in order to better get a view of a situation. While you were so in love with your ex, all you could see were how perfect his set of white teeth were, how he was so good in Math, or how sweetly he sang. What you might’ve overlooked were the things that you didn’t have in common. You must’ve thought these things to be trivial. But isn’t that big problems start small?

Stop over-idealizing your ex. Put them down that pedestal. More often than not, they don’t deserve to be there. Worship is anything you lift up as a priority. “Worshiping” your ex is idolatry. And idolatry, as you may very well know, is sin.

3. Have a life 

Instead of wallowing with your girlfriends, or strategizing the best way to get your ex back, get a life! Your ex is likely having the time of his life without you (mostly true if he’s the dumper). Don’t ever allow yourself to be stuck in the losing end.

Broaden your territory. Get out of your comfort zone. Go out and meet as many people with different interests and backgrounds. You will likely discover new things about yourself in the process. Things you don’t even know about yourself. Through interaction with other people, you’ll also learn to rid of stereotypes and be more sociable.

Meeting people and engaging in new activities is also a way to keep your mind off your break-up. An old adage goes, “the idle mind is the playground of the devil.” You don’t want the enemy running free in your mind, feeding you with His lies, do you? So keep yourself busy. Be productive. Aim for a promotion at work. Learn a new hobby or craft. Plan a trip. Start a blog (I did!). Make a scrapbook. Watch a movie. Sign up for the gym. The list goes on… you’ll see that there are tons of interesting things to do with all the extra time you have in your hands.

   

There was a time after the break-up when workload was too much. I complained to a friend that I was so busy with work that I couldn’t even “grieve” the demise of my relationship. But in retrospect, I know that being busy then was one of God’s little favors. He had kept me so busy that I did not have idle time to waste in useless wallowing and self-pity. The Bible says, “God keeps such people so busy enjoying life that they take no time brooding over the past.” (Ecclesiates 5:20)

4. Love yourself 

Now is the time to invest in yourself. Make yourself better physically, intellectually, emotionally and professionally. Pamper yourself, girl. Go to a spa. Get that haircut you’ve always wanted. Learn to do your make-up. Catch up on your reading. Re-paint your room. Small things like this lead to big things collectively. When you start feeling good about yourself, it’ll show in your actions and radiate in your face. Women who are confident in their own beauty reflect a natural glow that no store-bought mist can give. Remember, you are already beautiful in God’s eyes. Weren’t you “fearfully and wonderfully made”? (Psalm 139:14).

Improving yourself does two things: first, it shows your ex that the heartbreak he caused you had not crushed you, but made you better. Secondly, it regains lost confidence. Doesn’t it make you feel good when people compliment you for the way you dress or how much pounds you’ve lost? Becoming better after a break-up, they say, is the sweetest form of revenge. But more importantly, do it for yourself.    

5. Shift your focus to God 

When a piece of appliance gets broken, you bring it to the manufacturer for repair. It is the same with our hearts. When your heart gets broken, you should lift it up to its Maker. No one can mend it better than Him. And another good news is… the warranty never expires. The service center is open 24/7. The hotline is never busy.

“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted.” (Psalm 34:18)

God wants you to make him a part of your life – every aspect of it. More importantly, your pain and suffering. Don’t our earthly fathers want us to open up to them and spill to them our secrets? Our heavenly Father is no different, and He can offer us more than just a ready ear and a shoulder to cry on. He offers healing. He offers comfort. Turn over your heart to Him and you will be a changed woman. I know I am.

“The sacrifice you want is a broken spirit. A broken and repentant heart, O God, you will not despise.” (Psalm 51:17)

Instead of looking for love and validation from your man, shift your focus to God. Admit to Him that you did not do a good job of guarding your heart and ask Him to take over it this time. Men will always fall short of our expectations. They won’t be the same today as they will be when you’re already married. Christ, on the other hand, is “the same yesterday, today and forever”. (Hebrews 13:8) You can expect His love to remain steadfast even when you put on weight or when wrinkles start showing on your face.

Shifting your focus on God’s love instead of your man’s changes your perspective on love. It elevates your standards. Knowing how precious God sees and loves you (Isaiah 43:4), you will learn to appreciate your worth and will not just settle for anything less than what God thinks is best for you.

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So the next time you pass by that favorite spot in the highway of your mind and you think you’re heading for cryfest again, stop in your tracks. Utter a short prayer. Remember who you are in Christ. You are treasured, favored and beloved in God’s eyes, and no mere mortal should ever make you feel otherwise.

It’ll be over soon, you’ll see.

The "three month rule"

I was cleaning my room the other morning and found a note stashed among my pile of books. It was a letter (though not addressed to anyone in particular) that I wrote exactly three months after the break-up.

I'm naturally a sucker for anniversaries (or monthsarries). I remember that the first two months since that fateful day were still very difficult. Writing had been my therapy and I think I've written enough letters to him (which I did not send, of course) to publish a book. When I discovered this note and read it again, I realized how my perspectives have changed since I became a Christian. All the past hurts and regrets were gone, and in their wake came forgiveness and peace. I didn't think it was possible to forgive someone who has truly hurt us. But since God has made me feel loved and forgiven, I am also able to forgive. I am now able to pray for him and wish him the best, as though he had not hurt me at all.

I've also become stronger and wiser. In the past three months, knowing Christ and embracing my faith has been the best thing to happen to me. I wish every woman who has ever been hurt would come to know the healing power of knowing Jesus and surrendering to His will. I believe that He has a man for me at the right time. For now, I choose to wait patiently and joyfully for God's promises to unveil.

♥♥♥

It was exactly three months ago when I last saw him – and it didn’t end pretty. Looking back, I wish we had parted more amicably. Unfortunately, life does not give in to rewinds or second chances and whatever transpired that night is what we would remember of each other. It was, as fate would have it, a sweet decade-long relationship that ended with a slap in his face. Although i admit to feeling quite victorious right after the deed, I now wish that I hadn’t hurt him that way. I wish the last vision he saw of me wasn’t of anger and revenge. But then, maybe he deserved it. After all, it was him who left and dumped me for another woman.

I barely remember most of the events. I guess, it is our natural tendency to shut out painful memories – a sort of defense mechanism. When people ask, I always willingly share with them his indiscretions, his lies and his “woman”. That made me feel better for some time, as the sympathies always sided with me. It was until a few weeks after that fateful night, during moments of calm and reflection, that I realized how much I had to do with the demise of our relationship after all.

It is always easy to blame the person who left the other when it comes to break-ups. I was so consumed in my own pain and bitterness that I failed to see my own shortcomings that might’ve caused him to leave me. “It is hard to see the trees if you stand too close to the forest”. It usually takes a step back in order to see things more clearly. After the break-up, I had more time in my hands and had often used them to agonize about what happened. It hadn’t made sense to me then why we’d break up. We were happy, at least I thought we were. A month before he broke up with me, we were in a coffee shop discussing marriage; we were thinking names for our babies; we were planning a lifetime together. In all the euphoria, what I failed to see were the signs – the small things. They seemed so petty then, easy to overlook; but put together, they were the disease that plagued the fortress we had built together over the years.

It turned out, I had become too dependent on him for everything. He was my escape from my troubled family life. I sought rest in him from the stresses of my job. I made him play the roles of people I have shunned from my life. I clung to him desperately, because I had no one. No friends, no family. I had made him the center of my universe and everything revolved around him. Sadly, too, I made him Lord of my life. Eventually, my neediness consummed him, until he had nothing left to give... until it was him who was needing. That was when, I figured, he had turned to someone else.

The first few weeks were devastating. It was hard not to think of him when we had spent half of our lives together. Mornings were especially hard, since he waking up next to him had always been my most favorite thing in the world to do. There wasn’t a night that I didn’t cry for him. I tried to win him back. I appealed to his guilt, i pleaded, begged, hoped... but he rejected me everytime. It hurt me so much to think how the same man who loved me for 10 years could get so callous and treat me as though I meant nothing. I remember punishing myself for what happened. I blamed myself for days and weeks – refusing to eat or sleep and just focused on work to keep me busy. It became an unhealthy routine, until I was confined to the office clinic and was diagnosed with Vertigo. I texted him that I was sick, hoping he’d be moved and perhaps want to get back together with me. But he didn’t. I was being my needy self again. If anything, I think it drove him even farther away; while I grew more miserable by the day.

I had dragged on like this for weeks, until one day, an officemate saw me puffy-eyed in the ladies room just after another bout with tears. She invited me to a Christian fellowship the next day where Manny Pacquiao will share his testimony. At first, I was more interested in meeting Pacquaio than learning what he had to share about the Bible. But during his testimony, I was so moved, and for once, I had completely forgotten the mess that I was in. I found the peace I was seeking for that night. I don’t know if it was Pacquiao, but the Lord’s message spoke to me, roused something within me, that after that night, found myself wanting more of that peace.
I found that peace in God.

After that night, I joined a bible study group at the office. I later learned that two other members have recently gone through break-ups as well. They’ve been my steady stream of support throughout the ordeal.  We shared stories, our losses and helped each other make sense of our pain. Now, we remain good friends and we continue to pray for each other’s healing.

It was also this time when I started reading the Bible. Though I’ve always been a reader, and had attended Catholic school, I've never been fond of reading the Bible. Now, through the help of my Christian friends (and the Holy Spirit, of course) I read the Bible everyday. In fact, I bring my Bible EVERYday. I immerse myself in God’s word day and night, and it has never failed to provide me with the answers and the comfort I need.

It is true that our seasons of need and weakness are meant to turn us back to God. The Bible says, “...because the pain caused you to repent and change your ways. It was the kind of sorrow God wants His children to have.” (2Corinthians 7:9; NLT) The pain of the break-up had opened my eyes and made me realize how much I have sinned against God, for having loved a man more than Him. Not only have I deserted my faith, I have abandoned my family and friends and have set aside even myself, all for his love. It had finally made sense. It was meant to happen so that change in me could take place. And little by little, as I grow in my faith, I learned to trust in what the Lord has planned for me – and along with this understanding, came acceptance and healing.

“...keep away from anything that might take God’s place in your hearts.” (1John 5:21) After i lost him, and started seeking God, I witnessed all my other relationships get restored. I returned home to my family and now enjoy a fuller and healthier relationship with my parents and siblings. I have also reconnected with old friends and made new ones. I have also learned to value myself. Renewing my faith has helped me strive to become a better person. I am now giving more attention to my health. So far, i have lost 10Lbs (4kilos) by eating healthy and exercising. I’ve also been getting a lot of compliments, telling me that I look happier and more beautiful. I say, “it is the glow that comes from the Lord.” And it is true!

There is an unwritten rule in break-ups. They call it the three-month rule. It means it should take three months after a break-up before someone could enter into another relationship. I’m past the three months now, and I’m giving myself a high-five and a pat on the back for a wonderful job of keeping myself together, with God’s grace, of course. They say that the only way to get over a break up is to fall in love with someone – and I have! I fell in love with Jesus. I know that the Lord has someone in store for me at the right time. For now, it’ll just be me and my God.

“I waited patiently for the Lord to help me.And he turned to me and heard my cry.He lifted me out of the pit of despair,Out of the mud and the mire.He set my feet on solid groundAnd steadied me as i walked along.He has given me a new song to sing, a hymn of praise to our God.Many will see what He has done and be amazed.They will put their trust in the Lord.” (Psalm 40:1-3; NLT)