We decided to sit down and talk. We found a secluded part of the campus and there she spilled out to me the details. They were together for four years and parted late last year due to “irreconcilable differences.” Until now, she admits she hasn’t completely moved on. And it showed! When it was my turn to share with her, I told her that I’ve recently gone through a break-up myself. I told her it had been six months since my break-up. I told her how I’ve coped, how I was able to turn my life around. I told her that when I’ve finally learned to ‘let go and let God,’ things have started looking up for me. The event turned out to be a blessing to me after all.
She said, “How did you do it? Tell me.” And I did. I didn’t imagine that I would one day advise other women, let alone a former professor, on how to recover from a painful break-up. But God, when He allowed this trial to happen to me, must’ve known I would one day be an instrument and (hopefully) an inspiration to other women. I remember a line from the book of Psalm: “My life is an example to many because you have been my strength and my protection.” (Ps. 71:7) that pretty much sums up what I feel right now.
Lately, I’ve been hearing a lot of sad stories about women whose break-ups have so badly affected them, one story even ended in suicide.
Things like this shouldn’t even happen. It prompted me to make it my personal advocacy to help those who are going through the same by sharing some of what I’ve learned. Now, there is no cut-and-dried formula when it comes to break-up recovery. I just know that if these worked for me, I urge you to try them out for yourself. You’ve got nothing to lose anyway. So, if you are a single woman still struggling with memories and remorse over love lost, I pray that these tips would help you, and like me, be able to turn your feelings of defeat into triumph.
1. No contact
One of the biggest mistakes we make after a break-up is to try to win the person back by calling and texting them incessantly. I remember the first few weeks after my break-up, I bombarded my ex’s phone with lengthy texts, appealing to his guilt, pleading him to stay. After nagging him for some time, he decided to reject my calls and ignore me completely. I later realized how clingy I had become. And clingly = unattractive. Chasing after a guy sends a clear message: desperation. Besides, it might only further inflate his ego. Chances are he might stall you for some time, while he enjoys the attention.
Men are repulsed when women chase after them. After all, it is a man’s nature to pursue. When roles are reversed, things could turn ugly. So don’t ever chase after your guy. Freedom is the utmost importance to a man. Don’t call, text, chat or email him, especially if your motives are to get back together. Wait for him to make the first move. If he still wants you, he will.
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My advice is to keep a no-contact rule for at least 60 days. They say it takes about that long a time to form a habit. In the meantime, keep yourself busy. This is probably the most difficult part of the process, but trust me, it works. This no-contact includes keeping yourself from stalking your ex on Facebook or Twitter.
Remember, it is not your obligation to suffer. We may not admit it, but most of our pain are self-inflicted. You know you shouldn’t be looking at you ex’s photos anymore, but you do. Stop torturing yourself. The quickest way I got over my ex is when I stopped asking about him. The less I know, the less I hurt. Don’t they say that “ignorance is bliss”? It’s true!
2. Stop over-idealizing your ex
One common thing I noticed among women who couldn’t get over their exes is that they over-idealize them. When we are so in-love, our perception of our mates tend to be clouded and biased. Isn't the "heart the most deceitful of all things? (Jeremiah 17:9)Women are particularly guilty of this. We magnify our men’s good qualities and discard the bad ones. Sadly, this perception carries over until after the break-up. We’d often hear women cry, “He’s the best. There’s no one like him.” This is a very unhealthy line of thinking and could later result to losing one’s self-esteem.
Michelle Hammond, Christian woman and author of ‘What to do until love finds you’, says “It is hard to see the trees if you stand too close to the forest.” It usually takes a step back in order to better get a view of a situation. While you were so in love with your ex, all you could see were how perfect his set of white teeth were, how he was so good in Math, or how sweetly he sang. What you might’ve overlooked were the things that you didn’t have in common. You must’ve thought these things to be trivial. But isn’t that big problems start small?
Stop over-idealizing your ex. Put them down that pedestal. More often than not, they don’t deserve to be there. Worship is anything you lift up as a priority. “Worshiping” your ex is idolatry. And idolatry, as you may very well know, is sin.
3. Have a life
Instead of wallowing with your girlfriends, or strategizing the best way to get your ex back, get a life! Your ex is likely having the time of his life without you (mostly true if he’s the dumper). Don’t ever allow yourself to be stuck in the losing end.
Broaden your territory. Get out of your comfort zone. Go out and meet as many people with different interests and backgrounds. You will likely discover new things about yourself in the process. Things you don’t even know about yourself. Through interaction with other people, you’ll also learn to rid of stereotypes and be more sociable.
Meeting people and engaging in new activities is also a way to keep your mind off your break-up. An old adage goes, “the idle mind is the playground of the devil.” You don’t want the enemy running free in your mind, feeding you with His lies, do you? So keep yourself busy. Be productive. Aim for a promotion at work. Learn a new hobby or craft. Plan a trip. Start a blog (I did!). Make a scrapbook. Watch a movie. Sign up for the gym. The list goes on… you’ll see that there are tons of interesting things to do with all the extra time you have in your hands.
There was a time after the break-up when workload was too much. I complained to a friend that I was so busy with work that I couldn’t even “grieve” the demise of my relationship. But in retrospect, I know that being busy then was one of God’s little favors. He had kept me so busy that I did not have idle time to waste in useless wallowing and self-pity. The Bible says, “God keeps such people so busy enjoying life that they take no time brooding over the past.” (Ecclesiates 5:20)
4. Love yourself
Now is the time to invest in yourself. Make yourself better physically, intellectually, emotionally and professionally. Pamper yourself, girl. Go to a spa. Get that haircut you’ve always wanted. Learn to do your make-up. Catch up on your reading. Re-paint your room. Small things like this lead to big things collectively. When you start feeling good about yourself, it’ll show in your actions and radiate in your face. Women who are confident in their own beauty reflect a natural glow that no store-bought mist can give. Remember, you are already beautiful in God’s eyes. Weren’t you “fearfully and wonderfully made”? (Psalm 139:14).
Improving yourself does two things: first, it shows your ex that the heartbreak he caused you had not crushed you, but made you better. Secondly, it regains lost confidence. Doesn’t it make you feel good when people compliment you for the way you dress or how much pounds you’ve lost? Becoming better after a break-up, they say, is the sweetest form of revenge. But more importantly, do it for yourself.
5. Shift your focus to God
When a piece of appliance gets broken, you bring it to the manufacturer for repair. It is the same with our hearts. When your heart gets broken, you should lift it up to its Maker. No one can mend it better than Him. And another good news is… the warranty never expires. The service center is open 24/7. The hotline is never busy.
“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted.” (Psalm 34:18)
God wants you to make him a part of your life – every aspect of it. More importantly, your pain and suffering. Don’t our earthly fathers want us to open up to them and spill to them our secrets? Our heavenly Father is no different, and He can offer us more than just a ready ear and a shoulder to cry on. He offers healing. He offers comfort. Turn over your heart to Him and you will be a changed woman. I know I am.
“The sacrifice you want is a broken spirit. A broken and repentant heart, O God, you will not despise.” (Psalm 51:17)
Instead of looking for love and validation from your man, shift your focus to God. Admit to Him that you did not do a good job of guarding your heart and ask Him to take over it this time. Men will always fall short of our expectations. They won’t be the same today as they will be when you’re already married. Christ, on the other hand, is “the same yesterday, today and forever”. (Hebrews 13:8) You can expect His love to remain steadfast even when you put on weight or when wrinkles start showing on your face.
Shifting your focus on God’s love instead of your man’s changes your perspective on love. It elevates your standards. Knowing how precious God sees and loves you (Isaiah 43:4), you will learn to appreciate your worth and will not just settle for anything less than what God thinks is best for you.
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So the next time you pass by that favorite spot in the highway of your mind and you think you’re heading for cryfest again, stop in your tracks. Utter a short prayer. Remember who you are in Christ. You are treasured, favored and beloved in God’s eyes, and no mere mortal should ever make you feel otherwise.
It’ll be over soon, you’ll see.
